Hi,
Just wondering what to do about a situation we are now facing. We have just moved into a BEAUTIFUL new house and my bf is so proud to own his second home at 22, and now his mother is just being very unreasonable and not very nice about christmas.
We offered to have christmas at our new house because it has a great big family area, all of my family said yes and are coming, but his mother has nastily said no she wont come, and she wont bring my bf’s brothers and sister out to our new house because its too far to drive (10 mins from her house) and will be too hot. (in australia its summer here)
We have a huge open plan area with windows everywhere and there is a beautiful breeze and we also have aircon that we sometimes use…….
She has said to my bf that if he wants to see his brothers open their presents and see them on christmas day, then we have to go to her, and be there at least at 5 in the morning when they wake up. My bf asked if they could wait until like 7? and she said no i will not make my children wait.. I just feel like she is being totally unreasonable and pushing my bf away.. he acts strong but i know that he is very very hurt by what she has said.
Is what she is saying fair?… Should we accomodate her and go to their house at like 5am before we get to open each others presents? Should we cancel our family christmas because they wont come?
Can someone offer me some suggestions what i could say to her to make her see what she is doing is deeply hurting her son??? He really wants her there, but now that she has acted like this, he is so sad and is like stuff it i dont need them etc.
His dad is very very nice and said he would bring his brothers out, but i think that kind of defeats the purpose.
Thoughts and suggestions????
Well, you wrote he is your BF, if so, this is something you will have to address now than later if you two marry. It seems to me, from what little you wrote, that she may feel abandoned by her son, or left out. If so this is a power play by her to test her son’s love and loyality to her, mind games such a shame. Anyway, there are a few things you and your BF could do.
One , be there at 5am with your BF to support and show unity, and compromise with his mother.
Two- you can go on with your plans at your new home as planned, you already invited her, the ball is in her court,she can either show up or not, it is out of your control, and if you are to marry your BF you two will want to and will set up your own traditions at your home if and when you marry, have your own kids..etc.. I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship with this woman, but you can either save face and go, or stand up and have your Christmas at your house , do not cancel your plans ….why should you? If she chooses to make this a point of contention ,then so be, this is more about her and her son than you, unless you two do not like each other anyway, then you will have these problems with her on other issues.
Compromise do both go to her house , then have your day.
Really this shouldn’t be an issue unless you want to go to her home, and put up with her at 5am, why..when the father told you he will bring your BF’s brothers out.
Defeats what purpose? ..What is your motive and intentions behind this holiday and his mom, do you really want her to be there at your home? Then tell her , and be sincere if that is your intentions. Call her up ask her over for a cup of joe and tell her how you feel, if you truly want to have a relationship, extend the olive leaf,this woman seems hurt and angry. Deal with it soon, you got less than a month.
November 29th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Sounds like your mother-in-law has serious problems with change. If you give in on this she will never learn to adjust to changes in her family and always expect others to do things her way. As hard as it will be I really think you should stand your ground on this. Don’t be completely obstinate and unwilling to accommodate, but expect some compromise in return.
Having his dad bring the kids might actually be a good idea. If his mother sees that the result of her attitude is her being excluded and not getting things the way she wants at all, maybe she’ll smarten up.
References :
November 29th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
No, you nor your bf should go to her home at 5 am. This is a control issue and if you give in now you will be doing it the rest of your life if you marry or continue to stay with the bf. She wouldn’t come to your home even if it were the most perfect, air conditioned, elaborate place in the world because it is not about the house, it is about her having control of her boy and he has to grow up and put his foot down. He can go by and say hi to them later in the morning after you two wake up and have your gifts together. It is not important watching the kids open the presents as it is just spending quality time with them. Don’t let her do this to you.
References :
November 29th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Ok. Here’s what you need to do. This woman is either extremely jealous, possesive, bitter, crazy or all of the above. She is a control freak and does not like the fact that her ‘little boy’, your BF is now centered on you and that you two have your own place. She needs to deal with the situation or step aside.
You and your boyfriend are adults, you invited her first, you need to stand by your original offer. Do not accomodate her. She’s trying to play the compromise game with you. Ask her once more if she would like to come by your house for Christmas, do not cancel it because your family and many friends will be there and you do not want to have to change their plans. If she says no, then she will have a very lonely Christmas.
I understand your BF is being strong and is probably hurt by his mother’s actions. For his sake, maybe say that you have already planned your party and have many guests coming, if she doesn’t feel comfortable she doesn’t have to go, but that later if she wants to stop by that would be great. As a last resort if things are getting terribly messy, just offer to swing by her house the day after Christmas or have a quick lunch with her the day before Christmas.
DO NOT compromise your plans or let her win this, because if she does she will NEVER quit.
References :
My mother in law is nuts.
November 30th, 2009 at 12:15 am
here’s what i would do…get all of your family and friends together at your new lovely home, rent a video camera and record everything and sent it to your bf family, let them know that they were missed but that they are welcome to come over anytime an be a part of your family,it is so sad that someone feels that they can control their adult children is simply childish and perhaps with the objections of the more mature family members things will change, but hold your ground or she will never respect you or her son.
References :
November 30th, 2009 at 12:44 am
Well, you wrote he is your BF, if so, this is something you will have to address now than later if you two marry. It seems to me, from what little you wrote, that she may feel abandoned by her son, or left out. If so this is a power play by her to test her son’s love and loyality to her, mind games such a shame. Anyway, there are a few things you and your BF could do.
One , be there at 5am with your BF to support and show unity, and compromise with his mother.
Two- you can go on with your plans at your new home as planned, you already invited her, the ball is in her court,she can either show up or not, it is out of your control, and if you are to marry your BF you two will want to and will set up your own traditions at your home if and when you marry, have your own kids..etc.. I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship with this woman, but you can either save face and go, or stand up and have your Christmas at your house , do not cancel your plans ….why should you? If she chooses to make this a point of contention ,then so be, this is more about her and her son than you, unless you two do not like each other anyway, then you will have these problems with her on other issues.
Compromise do both go to her house , then have your day.
Really this shouldn’t be an issue unless you want to go to her home, and put up with her at 5am, why..when the father told you he will bring your BF’s brothers out.
Defeats what purpose? ..What is your motive and intentions behind this holiday and his mom, do you really want her to be there at your home? Then tell her , and be sincere if that is your intentions. Call her up ask her over for a cup of joe and tell her how you feel, if you truly want to have a relationship, extend the olive leaf,this woman seems hurt and angry. Deal with it soon, you got less than a month.
References :